It’s been a long time since I have been writing here. Why? is probably the first question you will ask. Well, the answer is – I don’t really know. Life has been happening I guess and life has not been an easy ride, far from it. I was reading my last input and realised that I hadn’t been writing for three years. That’s a hell of a long time! Funnily enough, I almost feel as if I was a completely different person from the one I was three years ago. Once again, the question you might be tempted to ask is why? Well, probably because of all the challenges I have been through…
Where shall we start? Don’t worry, I will not go into the details of my biography but just probably summarise to give a bit of a hint as to what I have been through, which may justify a complete change in me. For some reason, I cannot remember why I haven’t written anything at all in 2015… Maybe a “no event” year, apart from my bike accident in February that caused me to have a break from work and a long due breakdown all at once. I guess I must have spent the rest of that year trying to recover and get back into the swing of things. But then I started a counselling course at the end of 2015, so I must have been quite busy after that.
As far as I can remember I was quite pleased with starting this counselling course again as I had studied the first year in 2004 and always hoped to get back into it without ever finding the time. So for me it was a real achievement to be able to carry that on. However, I guess with any counselling course, a lot of unhealed wounds were brought to the surface, with all the difficulties that it entailed. A lot of rubbish came to the surface and I guess I had to deal with it. The other side of it is that working full time and training part time alongside it was meant to be physically, mentally and emotionally demanding. I got quite stressed with it all until one day I had an altercation with one of my colleagues who complained against me and accused me of bullying her…
As you can imagine that came as a bit of a shock for me. Me, a bully? Where did that come from? I was so hurt and offended. How dare she call me a bully? What had been happening was that I was working bloody too hard and she was doing bugger all… So that was meant to cause friction. She knew she had not been doing as much as she should have done, so the best way for her to defend herself was to attack me. And attack me, she did with a vengeance. I felt absolutely broken to pieces and I was not supported by my manager in the whole process. I lost sleep over it, raging about the injustice of it all and the fact that nobody cared about how hurt I had been. So the result of this was it ate away at me. Added to hard working, studying and not sleeping, I ended up burning out.
When I phoned my manager to let him know that I was absolutely exhausted and couldn’t physically get out of bed, he thought that all I needed was have a bit of a rest in order to get back to work in the afternoon to present a workshop. No, didn’t you hear me? I AM EXHAUSTED!! And I truly was. I had never felt like this before. No strength, no life left in my body. I couldn’t move. I was off work for 6 weeks. And when I came back I had to go for a mediation meeting with my ‘wonderful’ colleague, which I refused to attend, but I was forced to. We both got some apologies from my manger for causing us to get through what we did. What did she go through? I was the one who suffered a burn out, not her! So once again I felt the injustice, but I didn’t have the strength to fight any more, so I just kept quiet and I applied for another job.
At least I had plenty to talk about in my counselling practise sessions but I was a complete mess. I had to get myself back on track and prepare for this job interview. Of course, I was not at my best and I didn’t get the job. Never mind, I applied for another one and was invited for an interview. This time I got it. So I started to breathe again as I knew I was going to leave and would never see that woman ever again! But I had to work really hard to prepare for this interview. I had a portfolio to work on and it took me ages to get it all together. I managed to get ready on time for the interview, but after that I still needed to make more changes to it before it was accepted. So I spent a lot of time working on this, but I was very motivated as it was to enable me to do my ideal job.
While I was recovering from my burn out I discovered what I thought was my perfect match on the internet by pure chance. I wasn’t even looking for him but I just found him. We met just before I went back to work. He wanted to meet me straight away but I was unwell and also needed to work on my portfolio for my interview. He lived in London and was worried about the fact that we were too far apart. I explained that the interview I was preparing for was closer to London. So we started talking to each other and we got on really well. He happened to be French, like me, so it was lovely for me to be able to use my maternal language on a regular basis again.
So we met and he kissed me. I fell in love and that was it. Unfortunately he didn’t tell me everything about him until after he had kissed me and it came as a bit of a shock. I didn’t like what I heard as he was everything I had promised myself never to go back to – a seducer. But I couldn’t go back, he had cast his spell on me and I couldn’t let him go. I won’t go into details but I cried a lot when I found out as it broke my heart. I could never trust him after this, so why did I stay with him? I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He told me he had changed. I thought – he hasn’t hurt me, so I can give him another chance.
This was meant to go wrong as you can imagine. The trust was not there but the sickening behaviour on his part was and I put up with it, hoping he would change. I ended up being told that I should accept it with a smile. If I didn’t I was dumped on the spot. I got dumped over and over again as I was trying to study for my ideal job, a very demanding training that got everything out of me. I even met a real bully – my supervisor at university – who completely destroyed me. I was made to feel very vulnerable thanks to my boyfriend who kept dumping me and she used this to crush me. So I failed the course and as a result lost my job. And I had to move in with my boyfriend, the seducer who kept dumping me, as I had rented my house out and couldn’t afford to pay my rent for the room I was living in. Stuck!
The result of this was: he dumped me once and for all. But this time I didn’t fight for him and I let him go. I realised I couldn’t bear it anymore. I had lost everything in the space of four months – my career prospects, my job and the man whom I thought was the man of my dreams. All my dreams got shattered, broken to pieces, all at once. But I didn’t collapse. I kept my head held high. I was unemployed for only 2 days as I went off sick for five weeks and managed to find a job as a locum. I hated it as I felt I had moved backwards by going back to the previous job I was doing, and everything I had learned had been thrown out of the window. My pride was hurt but mainly my motivation and enjoyment for my work had gone. I had lost all interest but I hung in there, looking for other jobs.
In the meantime my boyfriend had also lost his job and had been unemployed for over 9 months. So of course I couldn’t complain about my situation as at least I had managed to find another job quite quickly. But I was struggling and I felt nobody cared, nobody knew what I was going through, apart from my boyfriend who kept dumping me as I kept getting upset with his behaviour and frustrated with our situation. He was also going through a divorce and I was supporting him through this. Unfortunately because of this we couldn’t live together. He couldn’t afford to pay his rent in London so he also had to move into a room. So we both lived in a room in a different house in the same town. Not ideal to make a relationship work.
Anyway, my issues added to his issues didn’t make for a happy ending. He decided that he didn’t want us to be together because I couldn’t accept his behaviour with a smile. I was devastated but as I said earlier, I kept my head high. I cried a lot the first day and then I stopped. I realised with time how stupid I had been to put up with such a behaviour. But he had managed to convince me that it was my fault, all men were like that and it was my problem if I couldn’t accept it. I seeked some therapy, hoping to work on accepting such a behaviour. But then because I lost my job, the therapy focused on this rather than the relationship. With time, I realised that I had been manipulated, used and lied to, so I became very angry.
I wanted him to return to me my dad’s Christmas present that my boyfriend had kept in his storage, which were some Bordeaux bottles of wine. He did return them with some money to pay for the damage he had done to my bedroom door where I was renting when he lashed out at me, dragged me on the floor and slammed the door. He returned the bottles of wine two days before he was due to fly back to France to move in with his family as he was struggling financially because of the divorce and still being unemployed. We were due to fly together as a holiday to go to his dad and sister’s birthday party. I was angry because I was not going to go on holiday to the south of France as originally planned. I was also angry because he didn’t leave a note or a letter to say ‘good bye’ or even ‘sorry’.
This was the way I was feeling that morning as I was cycling to work and I bumped into him. He was waiting for me. He had texted me in the morning but I hadn’t seen his message. What was he doing there? He wanted to say goodbye. I said we have already said goodbye. Then he said he wanted to end on good terms. So I replied – we haven’t ended on good terms, and I just let everything out. Everything that I had in my heart since the breakup and didn’t have a chance to say to him. He wanted us to have lunch together. No, I haven’t got time for lunch. He wanted us to meet after work, no I didn’t want to meet after work. I was angry with him! So he just walked away. The look on his face was so sad that it broke my heart…
I felt so proud of myself for pushing him away. I didn’t even find him attractive any more. Who the hell was he? He was not the man I had fallen in love with. I didn’t love him any more. He had hurt me too much. But then, the day after, I felt bad, so I sent him a text the day he flew to France. I apologised for losing it. I thanked him for all his help with my moves and with my university work, but explained that I was cross with him for the way he behaved, because I couldn’t accept it as it hurt me too much. He didn’t respond until three days later, after his dad and sister’s birthday party. And he hurt me again. In response to what I said in my text, he said he couldn’t accept me the way I was, but without a reason why. He said he talked, danced and laughed with women of all ages at his dad’s birthday party and if I had been there I wouldn’t have been able to bear it. But he wished I had been there so I would have seen that he can socialise with women without taking them to bed with him.
So I saw red! I felt he just didn’t get it, it was all about him. He didn’t get that what hurts me if not how far he goes with other women, but his behaviour in front of my very eyes. He didn’t get that it hurt me because I have so little confidence in myself, in my beauty as a woman, in my ability to make conversation with people. He is handsome so I can see how much women want his attention. He is talkative so I can see how interested people are in talking to him. I am none of that and he just doesn’t get how hurtful his behaviour is as it just reminds me how inadequate I am. How can I be happy with someone who keeps flirting and seducing women in front of my very eyes? So I had a real go at him, told him he had no consideration for my feelings because he was too selfish and narcissistic to see how much he hurt me. Then I blocked him. The end!
So he has been blocked since September 2017 and I will not contact him. Since then I have changed job again and moved back into my own house. I absolutely hate the job I do for many reasons. One including the fact that one of my employees made some allegations against me because I asked her to do more work. She had been on a reduced caseload since she had gone back to work from being sick and had been on a reduced caseload for six months when I started. It should have been increased after six weeks so of course she didn’t like me changing her lazy time at work.
I had applied for the same job I had failed the training for and was offered an interview the day I found out she had made some allegations. I completely panicked as I got scared that she was going to ruin my chance. But her allegations were proved to have no ground and I was offered the job – a second chance. She decided to hand her notice in and I handed my notice in one week later. I will be going back to university and start the training again. Fingers crossed everything will go smoothly from now on…
So I made a long story rather short just to give you an idea of why I might have changed quite a bit since I last wrote in this blog. Of course it hasn’t been easy and I feel I have lost so much of my energy and enthusiasm for life. I feel I was broken to pieces, not just my dreams, but my whole body, my whole essence, my whole being. I met with some friends last week in order to celebrate for my new job and I burst into tears. They wondered if I was depressed. I said no, I know what it is to be depressed and I know I am not. I am broken, I am exhausted, I have been drained of my essence. People did not realise how much I had been affected by everything that happened to me last year just because nobody was with me when it all happened. I went through it all on my own. And that’s probably why it has taken so much out of me.
I always seem to be going through difficult times on my own. Maybe because I have no family around, no partner, and no friends who really care that much to check on me on a regular basis and take the time to listen. That’s rather sad but I guess that’s the way it is. I have always managed on my own so I guess people just assume that I can manage. I always wondered what it was about me, why I got so deeply hurt by anything bad that happened to me when so many people manage to pull themselves back together. I do pull myself together but I always lose a lot of feathers as we say in French in the whole process. I might have got the answer to that thanks an astrology reading that I had done for me only yesterday.
Don’t ask me how I found out about “Double Zodiaque” as I can’t even remember what website I was visiting when I saw Jean-Paul Michon’s books and explanations about this different type of astrology. I booked a consultation for ten days later and he went straight into the depth of things. Suddenly, everything made sense and I understood at last why I had been suffering so much my whole life. Apparently because of where my planets were when I was born, I was due to feel depressed and anxious and struggle to see things in a positive way. When I was born, I brought love, beauty, peace and harmony to this planet, but I happened to fall into a world of predators. I am too sensitive and fragile and I came on this earth with a karma of suffering, which leads to depression and anxiety as I am too naïve to understand how human beings function. So I am like an angel cast amongst demons. No wonder I have always struggled… My lesson on this planet apparently is to learn how to be nasty. Now, that might prove rather difficult, but I think I am learning… Well, I had to.
Apparently the answer is in finding Mr Right as I will never be able to achieve anything without his support. The problem with me and relationships is that I am so sensitive and I feel the hurt so deeply that I overreact and people don’t understand where it is coming from. I don’t overreact, I am deeply hurt and my way of dealing with it is by letting it out and letting people know how deep I got hurt. So of course, people don’t understand where I am coming from and how deep I am hurting. So how and where on earth am I going to meet Mr Right? Apparently he will be working in the same kind of work environment as I am – a medical profession. A philosopher, extremely intelligent, and with whom I can only get on. Somebody who will be a good communicator and will demands respect. Someone who might be looking to find ways of helping humanity with its anxiety and depression issues, whose aim is to soothe. Somebody who is extremely benevolent, warm, always in a good mood and who holds the world in his arms.
I can see how meeting someone like this might help me feel much better about myself. So I do hope I will meet him soon and he will help me put my past hurt behind, help me heal them and help me help other people even more than what I am doing now. My wish is not meet him to be selfishly happy, but to enable me to improve my skills and heal the world, heal the hurting souls that need to find peace and love on this planet and within their soul. I know the training I am about to start again soon is going to be really hard as I have failed in the past and I have to overcome this huge fear of failing again. But I know I can do it. I know I will struggle as I work with my heart and intuition, and I will need to use my brain and my logical mind more. This is a real challenge for me so I hope that maybe by meeting this wonderful man I will be able to achieve my dream of helping deeply hurting souls like me.