The end or the beginning…

Hello there,

I just can’t believe that 2015 is already coming to an end and what a year it has been… I can’t believe either that it’s been so long since I last wrote on this blog. Where has my life gone? It looks as if things have been happening without me really being part of it. Not sure if this is making any sense to anyone, let alone me…

Meon Shore October 2015 007

Just to recap, last time I wrote here I had just fallen off my bike, which was a blessing in disguise as I could really do with that break at that time. Things had got on top of me, both professionally and emotionally. Issues at work, past unresolved relationships, broken family and friendship bonds. You name it, it happened…

After my fall I had a two months break from work due to difficulties in talking, processing thoughts and walking. Not so good really so the best way for me to use my time constructively was by resting and reflecting on the on-going and past events.  I did quite a bit of reading and found out about Dr Joe Dispenza, which was perfect timing. The book I read was called “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One”. Perfect book in these circumstances. I read did and did the exercises and it gave me something to focus on – try and rebuild myself on all levels.

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My relationships both with my mum and my dad were broken and they both tried to mend things – in their own way, so of course it didn’t work as the bottom line is that they will never change and will never understand me or know how to deal with me. They always thought that the best way to have an influence on me was by criticising me or insulting me to make me feel small and weak. They should have known by now that this was no longer working as I am no longer a child. But they were still trying to use the same weapons, which just shows that they haven’t grown, but I have. I don’t use weapons to attack anyone but I can definitely defend myself now and stand my ground. I can even do so without doing the same to them as they do to me. I still respect them because I respect myself.

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Now on the relationships level it has been a long healing process and I would lie if I said I am fully recovered. Of course I am not but I have come to terms with it and I have learned how to look after myself. I now take the time to rest and listen to my feelings. I don’t dismiss them or tell myself off for having them. I accept them, welcome them and let them go. Sounds a bit like Mindfulness. Some new people have tried to enter my world but very awkwardly so they have come out again as quickly as they had come in… Maybe I am not ready yet.

Corse 2015 091

Professionally I have been invited for interviews to do jobs I wasn’t ready for yet, which was a lesson in itself. But it was quite encouraging to be shown an interest. I was offered a new job, which I turned down as there was no real progress for me in the offer. I came close to getting a promotion but I needed a bit more confidence and some training in supervision, which I have now been offered. So it is all going in the right direction.

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But the most important thing for me at this stage is the fact that I have started my Psychotherapy and Counselling training at last, after 14 years of completing my first year Certificate! And I am loving it! I feel as if I had fallen into my own skin. This training fits me like a glove. I am learning so much about myself, about others, about how to help and reflect on my own practice. I feel I am growing and I will keep growing on this journey as I am determined to make this work for me and for the people who will benefit from my help and guidance in the future. I can’t wait!

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Poems

I found these poems yesterday, which I had completely forgotten about. I must have written them in some very dark hours back in the summer last year. Like every time I write poems they are in French, so here they are:

Les Troubles du Coeur

Quand mon coeur est malade

C’est ma vie qui pleure

Quand mon coeur chavire

Tout part a la derive

Il ne reste rien que le rien

Plus de rien, rien que du rien

Malaise fondamental

Epreuves interminables

Mais comment se sortir

De cette eternelle derive?

Trop lourdes a porter

les epreuves du coeur m’achevent,

m’entravent,

me harcelent…

Comment sortir de cette derive

qui n’en finit plus de me sevir?

Punition a repetition?

Mais quel mal ai-je commis?

Ma vie se fend et s’eternise

Rien ne la retient,

Rien ne me retient.

Je les entends parler

Je n’ai rien a leur dire

Ils ne me voient pas

Je ne les ecoute pas

Je ne les veux pas

Je ne veux rien

Que le neant, que le rien,

Pour une moins que rien…

I still believe in love

L’Amour A Mort

Quand plus rien ne vous attend,

Quand plus rien ne vous attire,

Que le penchant desopilant

Du neant qui s’etend

A perte de vue face a vous

La fin ne justifie en rien

Les moyens pour y parvenir…

you loved someone else

 

 

 

 

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HSP – Highly Sensitive Person

My friend Jo had been telling me about HSP (Hyper Sensitive Person) for a few years now and although I could feel it rang true to me I never looked into it. I recently caught up with Jo and we had this conversation about HSP again. Jo is an HSP so he knows and understands what it is like and as I was explaining to him how much I had been struggling he suddenly said it made a lot of sense if I was an HSP too. To be honest I felt I was and didn’t feel I needed any test to prove it to me but I did eventually take the test on Elaine Aron’s website, the first doctor who ever researched and wrote a book about HSP, and I ticked all the boxes but one… What an eye opener!

Now I understand why I always cry when I see a sad film or even when there is a happy ending, why I can’t bear loud noise when I try and relax or concentrate, why I take things very personally and get easily hurt, why it always takes me ages to recover from heartbreaks no matter what an arsehole the ex was, why I have always enjoyed my own company and never liked team sports. I have always been a dancer, a runner, a walker, a cyclist, never a badminton or netball player. I hate going to the gym as there are far too many people there staring at me. I was always so nervous when I was a teacher or a personal adviser interviewing people and had to be observed… Nothing seems to be easy when you are hyper sensitive. But I am also strong, which is  a bit of a contradiction because I had to learn to stand up for myself and people don’t like that very much as they think they can crush me like an ant and leave me for dead. But no, I can be highly sensitive AND strong but that comes at a price…

Everybody knows that life is tough but as an HSP life is even tougher… This is what I have noticed. I am a kind, empathetic and understanding person and because I am, I am also very forgiving and always give people the benefit of the doubt if they hurt me once. But if they hurt me twice then I start to let them know that I am not happy. And if they hurt me three times then I stand up for myself and become assertive. On the fourth attempt my claws are out and I don’t care if they get hurt. They should have learned not to push it. But then I am the one getting in trouble for it and I should accept it? Well, NO, I won’t because I am not in the wrong and I don’t care what people think. But this is how unfair life is for an HSP… And it just goes on and on. But I will get there and I am doing everything I can to get there.

So I decided not to be a victim any more and I want to start and enjoy my life at last. This has been delayed for far too long and there is a book that is helping me in the process. It is called ‘Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself’ by Dr Joe Dispenza. This book is just amazing as it explains in very simple words what is quantum physic and how we are just made of energy, so the way we think can manifest in solid form in the same way as our body presents in solid form although it is made of energy. And by focusing on what we want to achieve and living it as if we were already living it we can manifest what we want in our lives. This is where physics meet with spirituality. It doesn’t happen just by reading the book but by also practising the meditation exercises.

Life works in funny ways sometimes and when I ordered the book on Amazon I was told that I won’t receive it until the end of April. It literally went through my letter box on Tuesday, on my first day off work after a bike accident. I fell off my bike on Monday, my head hit the pavement and I ended up not only getting hurt but also stressed due to the shock…. So there I was the day after my fall with my body aching all over and crying my eyes out without being able to stop. Then the book arrived and I have been focusing on that as well as trying to recover from the shock of the fall. My head is still fuzzy and my back and knees are still hurting but I feel I am healing on many different levels thanks to my fall. Maybe I fell off my bike for a reason… 🙂

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There is hope… :-)

Well after a few months of on-going hurdles and disappointments I think I have finally hit rock bottom. I guess I needed to reach that stage before I could pick myself up, which I did, hurray!! This has been a long and painful process but like any changes in life they never happen overnight and are certainly never smooth or painless. I realise in hindsight that this has been an on-going battle which was just made worse by a long list of unpleasant events. So let’s now look forward to the future with a whole set of lessons learned en route 🙂

So there is hope, yes there is. All you need is to believe that at some point you will reach the end of the tunnel. It is all about setting yourself some new goals and finding yourself a new ‘raison de vivre’. First of all, look to achieve something you always wanted to achieve but never got round to doing for all sorts of reasons. For me it was to train as a counsellor. I had my interview today and I am very pleased to say that I will be starting on the course in 2 months time. Secondly, book a holiday to a beautiful place you have always wanted to go to in order to cheer yourself up. For me it was Corsica and I will at last be going there in 3 months time. And I can’t wait!

Having a plan (or two) is all we need to keep enjoying life and give us a sense of direction. Otherwise we could all be running around like headless chickens and never achieve anything. So think about what it is you want to achieve, what is your dream and what will make you happy, rather than focusing on what has been going wrong and all the hurts you have endured. Learn from them, clear the air and move on ready to fly!!

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New attempt at being positive…

This is my new year’s resolution… be more positive! I realise in hindsight that I have spent a lot of my previous years pretty much having negative thoughts mainly about myself  and as a consequence the world around me. I think it is about time to address this and think more positive as the more negative thoughts come into my head the more negative I feel about everything. I am a firm believer that we project into the world what we see within ourselves. So I will start by focusing on all the good things within myself… Hum, where do we start?

Don’t worry I won’t bore you with self-analysis. I think what I am trying to do is show that by beating ourselves up for the mistakes we make doesn’t get us very far, apart from further down. So the first thing to do is to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves a break. Funnily enough I say that to my patients every day… Do as I preach not as I do… The thing is most of the time we don’t even realise we are giving ourselves a hard time until someone brings it to our attention. That’s usually what friends and people who care about us are here for. This can prove difficult when you live on your own so the best thing to do is to treat ourselves as if we were our best friend 🙂

Now that sounds more promising. Would you treat your best friend the way you are treating yourself? How would they feel if you talk to them in the same way as you talk to yourself? Yes, that’s right, pretty down and useless. So what is the point? In order to survive we need to acknowledge the mistakes we have made, learn from them and forgive ourselves for making them as we probably didn’t have all the information we needed to make the right decision at that time. Now we have, so of course it is easier in hindsight to see where we went wrong. But this is in hindsight.

Of course this doesn’t involve hurting other people intentionally, as in that case there is absolutely no excuse. The best way to move on from this is to genuinely apologise to the person who suffered from it as a result. But they need to feel that you can actually feel their pain in order to forgive you, otherwise it might prove very difficult for them to move on. This is the key to any apology ladies and gentleman. Feel the pain you inflicted and genuinely apologise. If you don’t then just don’t bother and keep behaving inappropriately until you get kicked in the teeth yourself and get the idea of what pain feels like.

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New Year’s Resolutions

I was seriously intending to make this post much more cheerful than the previous one. I had gathered a lot of feel good little stories and was looking forward to sharing these with you all. Until today arrived in the shape of a very miserable and unpleasant man, which took away all my good intentions. I decided to keep it all humorous though as I am determined not to let this get me down, although it did very badly hit me in the face… So I will start with what I was intending on sharing first as it might cheer me up. I must say that sharing this on Facebook has really lightened me up thanks to my friends commenting on my status. Thank you all 🙂

Anyway I have recently discovered that some people can actually be genuine people, although I had lost hope… I recently lost a lodger without any notice. They just packed up all their stuff without saying anything and expected to stay over that night… Hum, as you can imagine that didn’t go down well… I had to check with them whether they had ever heard of the word courtesy… This was the ‘little madam’ attitude of an 18 year old girl who would blame everything on her mum.  Well it looks as if she still has a long way to go before she can reach maturity… So I was very pleased to see the back of her. Not to mention the financial difficulty she put me in just before Christmas…. So it took me a while to recover from this until I decided to look for another lodger.

This is where the feel good little story begins. They contacted me within a day of advertising and came to see the spare room the day after. They liked it straight away although they had seen other places and they thought I was a nice person. I thought they were too so there was a good chance for us both to get on.  They also happen to only need the room from Monday to Friday, which gives me free space over the weekend. They moved in the following week and as a thank you for having them in my house they bought me a lovely bunch of flowers 🙂 They really made my day. And since then to be honest it just feels like my house has turned into a home. There is someone there who is happy to talk and listen, who is interested  and really cares. I had forgotten what it felt like…

So this was my feel good little story and I am hoping it will last long enough. I feel this is really helping me believe in humankind again. Until today 😦  Now, how do you say “piss off ” to someone without being rude? In my professional capacity I cannot afford to be rude no matter how tempting it is… So instead of rudeness I tried humour, which was a lost cause and I should have known better. It didn’t go down well at all and as a result they wanted to talk to my manager, and I was more than happy to oblige.  I am looking forward to never have to deal with this person ever again.

This is the typical ‘I feel sorry for myself’ type who doesn’t care a damn about anybody else’s feelings but their own, who think that they are the most unhappy people on this planet. My joke was to say: “join the club”. No, they are not the only one who had a bad Christmas, no, they are not the only one who is fed up with everything, but they didn’t like to hear the truth as they love their victim role to bits. “How dare you take this role away from me?” is more or less what they could have said to me. “It suits me like a glove, it gives me an identity and if I don’t have it I don’t know who I am any more…”  My response was: “I am sorry but I can’t help you there as my role is definitely not to feel sorry for the people who don’t do anything to help themselves.” Tough but true!

So where have my new year’s resolutions gone? Well I think I am working on them but the truth is never easy to hear. Even using humour doesn’t seem to help those who desperately need to hear it. So I am still not sure what the answer is. I will most definitely struggle to keep my mouth shut as it is just not me… until I get kicked in the teeth for good. Food for thought… In the meantime I will carry on working on my planking 30 day challenge, which is a very good way to boost not only your core muscles but also your self-esteem. My record so far is 2 minutes and a half. Shall we bet to see if I make it to the 5 minute challenge…? 😉

 

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Glad it is over…

You might not believe it but I am actually glad the festive season is all over… For some reason I have never been very keen on it. Probably because I live here with no family of my own and my original family is in France – for the best. I haven’t been back home for Christmas for about 3 years and I don’t miss it, for the simple reason that any time I spend with my family always ends up with me getting upset and wanting to run away. In that case then it is best not to go in the first place as it saves me a lot of tears and money. So I always end up in England relying on my friends to look after me… Although this time the festive season turned out to be a disaster too and without any input from my family…

I have been questioning recently the value of my relationships both with my family and some of the friends I have made in this country. I feel I need to do some clearing out, which I am still struggling to do or, when I do, it doesn’t happen in the right way and it ends up being painful… To be perfectly honest I don’t think I really know what I am doing. I know what I don’t want and I say it out loud but it doesn’t always come across in the best way. I think I still need to work on that. The problem is that I am so scared of saying it the wrong way that I don’t say anything at all, I bottle things up and end up being the one suffering from it without getting anything sorted, until it all comes out like a bullet…when it is too late. So my new year’s resolution is to work on this.

The consequence of this was that on Boxing day I ended up visiting one of my best friend at the crematorium, which was probably not the best thing to do to cheer me up. My friend Pete committed suicide in the summer of 2013 after suffering for many years from bipolar and more recently schizophrenia. Despite his difficulties Pete had always been there for me, he was my rock as a friend, reliable, helpful, funny. I felt for him and what he was going through and was not really surprised when I found out about his death. I wish I had been able to make a difference in his life but I couldn’t, which is hard. Then I went to see his parents, which is even harder…

Anyway… that’s why pettiness and narrow-mindedness really gets to me, especially around Christmas… I’ve had to battle against both a friend and some neighbours, both before and after Christmas. I even had to call the police due to rude neighbours who have no manners. As a result I ended up almost having a nervous breakdown. Happy new year everyone! But as soon as the festive season was gone I was able to cheer myself up again, ready to face 2015 challenges, hoping it will be a much better year than the last thanks to the efforts I will put into improving myself, as there isn’t much I can do about others. I can help people at work as it is my job and they want to be helped, but I cannot help someone who can’t even see that they need help.

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