I just can’t believe that 2015 is already coming to an end and what a year it has been… I can’t believe either that it’s been so long since I last wrote on this blog. Where has my life gone? It looks as if things have been happening without me really being part of it. Not sure if this is making any sense to anyone, let alone me…
Just to recap, last time I wrote here I had just fallen off my bike, which was a blessing in disguise as I could really do with that break at that time. Things had got on top of me, both professionally and emotionally. Issues at work, past unresolved relationships, broken family and friendship bonds. You name it, it happened…
After my fall I had a two months break from work due to difficulties in talking, processing thoughts and walking. Not so good really so the best way for me to use my time constructively was by resting and reflecting on the on-going and past events. I did quite a bit of reading and found out about Dr Joe Dispenza, which was perfect timing. The book I read was called “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One”. Perfect book in these circumstances. I read did and did the exercises and it gave me something to focus on – try and rebuild myself on all levels.
My relationships both with my mum and my dad were broken and they both tried to mend things – in their own way, so of course it didn’t work as the bottom line is that they will never change and will never understand me or know how to deal with me. They always thought that the best way to have an influence on me was by criticising me or insulting me to make me feel small and weak. They should have known by now that this was no longer working as I am no longer a child. But they were still trying to use the same weapons, which just shows that they haven’t grown, but I have. I don’t use weapons to attack anyone but I can definitely defend myself now and stand my ground. I can even do so without doing the same to them as they do to me. I still respect them because I respect myself.
Now on the relationships level it has been a long healing process and I would lie if I said I am fully recovered. Of course I am not but I have come to terms with it and I have learned how to look after myself. I now take the time to rest and listen to my feelings. I don’t dismiss them or tell myself off for having them. I accept them, welcome them and let them go. Sounds a bit like Mindfulness. Some new people have tried to enter my world but very awkwardly so they have come out again as quickly as they had come in… Maybe I am not ready yet.
Professionally I have been invited for interviews to do jobs I wasn’t ready for yet, which was a lesson in itself. But it was quite encouraging to be shown an interest. I was offered a new job, which I turned down as there was no real progress for me in the offer. I came close to getting a promotion but I needed a bit more confidence and some training in supervision, which I have now been offered. So it is all going in the right direction.
But the most important thing for me at this stage is the fact that I have started my Psychotherapy and Counselling training at last, after 14 years of completing my first year Certificate! And I am loving it! I feel as if I had fallen into my own skin. This training fits me like a glove. I am learning so much about myself, about others, about how to help and reflect on my own practice. I feel I am growing and I will keep growing on this journey as I am determined to make this work for me and for the people who will benefit from my help and guidance in the future. I can’t wait!